Just a thing I want to get out…

This blog is cathartic for me. So, I recently turned 32. My daughter is 3. Here’s the thing, I cried myself to sleep on my birthday. I am a pretty stoic person, so admitting that is hard for me. Bless the somewhat anonymity of FM!

Here’s why… Before the age of three, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They operated, and she was left paralyzed in a hospital bed. She chose for me to live with my Aunt and Uncle, as she didn’t want me traumatized, and maybe now I can see me being there after they tried to get pregnant for 10 years hurt her too much. She couldn’t reach down and play with me, take me to a park, the zoo, etc. I cannot imagine the pain she felt. I look at my child and think of how it was for me at that age with a paralyzed mother I saw once a week or less, and how it was for her, to be mentally there and know you would probably die and miss all those milestones. So, I though of how that day 32 years before there was this couple that wanted to be parents so bad, and I made their dream come true. And how that was lost…. She was 39, so 7 years older than me now, which scares the shit out of me. I look forward to turning 40. She was one month and one day away from turning 40 the day she died. My dad died the last day of my second trimester after being diagnosed with Esophageal cancer a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. He lived with us on hospice as he died. I pulled his oxygen and he died shortly after. I didn’t cry. I tried so hard to keep it together for the little life inside me,  like my sadness and anger would pass through my placenta and taint her.

So, here is my most honest, open and personal post yet. Feel free to comment, really. Maybe there is something you need to get out, or want to say. Hopefully it helps us all!


7 thoughts on “Just a thing I want to get out…

  1. Flagstaff Mama, I have followed your blog for a long time. I have learned a lot! I hadn’t been on for a while. I felt compelled today to check out your blog today, so I got caught up on yout posts. I read this post and it just stopped me in my tracks. My heart went out to you. I turned off my computer, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. So I turned it back on and wanted to send you a note of encouragement. I have not lost a parent, so I can’t even imagine what you went through and still go through. But I was abandoned by my father when I was a very little girl. I had a deep emptiness in my heart for a long time, but I can tell you that now I have experienced great peace and comfort. As I have loved my children over the years, I have had much healing. I do know that you love your DD very much, so I hope that same peace and comfort will come to you. If it is ok, I will pray for you.

    • Amy,
      Thank you so much! I am truly touched by your response. I truly believe that life’s obstacles make us stronger, give us character and shape our lives. Putting my story out there was cathartic, but I also wanted to show people,that no matter how bad your day is someone else is having a worse day, and to be grateful for life, especially the little things. It is so easy to get caught up in the keeping up with the Joneses mentality and lose track of what is important. For me above all it is my beautiful and intelligent little girls. She filled a place in my life that was left when my mom died. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I appreciate prayers, very much! I told my dad when he was dying of cancer to not fight to meet my daughter. I thought him holding her with help for a few minutes was not worth the months of suffering. I told him to let go, and that he and my mother could watch her birth together in heaven. It was hard, so very hard, he was my best friend, we were very close. We weren’t always, he was an alcoholic after my mom died, and we had some hard years. But I forgave him, not knowing how someone could lose their spouse of 18 years and not fall apart.

      So, Amy, thank you for thinking of me and for the prayers. Thanks too, for reading my little blog, sometimes I wonder if there are “fans” out there, and if others find it helpful.
      PS. Send me the info for Babies to Kids, if you’d like. I would be happy to feature it on the Local mama owned page, post specials, etc. I don’t really seek out businesses, but since you commented… 😉

  2. Flagstaff Mama,
    Thank you for responding! Yes, there are “fans” out here. I have something for you. I will have it at the store, so come by sometime! (I’m glad you figured out who I was, I guess my e-mail was a give away). I looked up in my journal (my blog to God) what I was thinking about on May 21, and it was my amazing answer to my loss. Maybe someday I can share it with you. By the way, I’m not religious either, just a seeker of the truth…

    • I will try to go by the store next week, this algebra class is killin’ me! What is your schedule ( you can e-mail me if you want it private).
      Flagstaffmama@gmail.com I don’t check it very often so just send a comment here first!
      Thanks again for your kind words!

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