This blog is cathartic for me. So, I recently turned 32. My daughter is 3. Here’s the thing, I cried myself to sleep on my birthday. I am a pretty stoic person, so admitting that is hard for me. Bless the somewhat anonymity of FM!
Here’s why… Before the age of three, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They operated, and she was left paralyzed in a hospital bed. She chose for me to live with my Aunt and Uncle, as she didn’t want me traumatized, and maybe now I can see me being there after they tried to get pregnant for 10 years hurt her too much. She couldn’t reach down and play with me, take me to a park, the zoo, etc. I cannot imagine the pain she felt. I look at my child and think of how it was for me at that age with a paralyzed mother I saw once a week or less, and how it was for her, to be mentally there and know you would probably die and miss all those milestones. So, I though of how that day 32 years before there was this couple that wanted to be parents so bad, and I made their dream come true. And how that was lost…. She was 39, so 7 years older than me now, which scares the shit out of me. I look forward to turning 40. She was one month and one day away from turning 40 the day she died. My dad died the last day of my second trimester after being diagnosed with Esophageal cancer a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. He lived with us on hospice as he died. I pulled his oxygen and he died shortly after. I didn’t cry. I tried so hard to keep it together for the little life inside me, like my sadness and anger would pass through my placenta and taint her.
So, here is my most honest, open and personal post yet. Feel free to comment, really. Maybe there is something you need to get out, or want to say. Hopefully it helps us all!